Fear.

On the eve of my last night of pregnancy, I thought the only thing I would feel was excitement. And, don't get me wrong, I'm certainly not mourning the thought of not being pregnant again - that part, I'm ready to have come to an end! What I didn't expect to feel, though, is scared and nervous. Having had a cesarean the first time around, I thought I would be pretty chill about the prospect, and I have been until now. In fact, up until yesterday, when people asked me if I was nervous, I'd respond, "Only that I'll be pregnant forever!". But last night, in the middle of the night, I was up feeling extremely jittery about the surgery itself. 

Sure, I've been through it before. But that time, there was no time to sit and think about it for more than a couple hours while I was in extreme pain from my failed induction and anything sounded better. But now, knowing what to expect and having lots of time to think about it beforehand, I'm feeling really nervous. 

I feel like in my mind, the spinal wasn't bad at all the first time. BUT, that same mind had been in induced labor for 15 hours, so really, I was begging for it. Now that I'll be walking into the OR, what if it's awful?! And, also a major stress for me, I know some people have their catheter placed before the spinal so that they're all ready to go when they go into the OR - some doctors/anesthesiologists require it - and I find the idea of being cathed when I can feel it simply terrifying. I plan to go in begging for them to do it when I won't feel it - I mean what kind of masochist wouldn't agree to that?! - but I'm still nervous about it. And the actual surgery. Eh, not as worried about all that, since I didn't feel anything the first time around and the pressure wasn't even near what I had expected, but still - ugh. It's a bit frightening, right? And don't even get me started about the post-op pain once that first 24 hour morphine block wears off. 

BUT IT IS STILL BETTER THAN BEING PREGNANT ANOTHER DAY.

 Can I get a hallelujah!?

While we're being honest, though, I'm also nervous about bonding with the baby. With Ava, she had a name, she had a face in my mind, she fit into all my ideas about being a mother with a daughter. But this pregnancy has been rough, with me being so sick all the time, and I still have not come around to the idea of having a son the way I had wanted, so I'm nervous about the bonding. Please don't judge :(

So, with that, I sign off as a mother of one. We head to the hospital bright and early at 5:30 a.m., with baby boy (Um, yeah. He has no name still. I've had my brakes changed and my bills put on auto-draft, but haven't bothered naming the baby....oops.) scheduled to arrive around 7:30 a.m. I'm taking my laptop, so rest assured a post will be up with his details/picture/name (fingers crossed!) before too long :) As for his birth story, that one's already written: I walked into the ER, hopped onto the table, professed my love to my doctor for taking this baby out of me, and he was born. The end :)