Lessons Learned.

One of my favorite Carrie Underwood songs is "Lessons Learned", if for no other reason than it speaks to me. I've done my fair share of things right in this life, but, unfortunately, I've done more than my fair share wrong. This, unfortunately, is a post about the latter.

I consider myself a professional nanny. I never go into a job considering that it could be just for a short while: My truest hope when I start with a new family is that it'll last for years. I want to be a part of their family, as I want them to be a part of mine. I don't think of it as a job, but my career. I don't do this because I have to: I hold two degrees specific to my love for children, and chose this path because it fits with my ideals. I try to make the best decisions I can in the moment, not just for the short-term, but for the long-term as well. I immerse myself in a family, filling scrapbooks and photo albums with pictures of us alongside these children - memories that both Ava and myself will cherish long after the kids have grown out of having a nanny. In short, I truly love my job.

That being said, it is easy to forget that in the day-to-day chaos that is life. None of us would trade our children or being a parent for anything, but that doesn't always mean that we paint a gorgeous picture of the daily intimacies of our lives as such. When you're coming to the end of a long week where you've worked fifty plus hours and had a couple of days where someone had a meltdown or has been sick or whatever it might be that can add to your stress level, it's easy to think of this little corner of my Universe as a sort-of journal to let it all out, without regard to who might read it and be hurt. It's easy to write only for you, not remembering that while sure, this started out as a private way to share your journey through parenting, you're sharing someone else's journey now also.

As is easy to do, I had forgotten this. And a relationship that I truly valued is now hurt, severed even, because of it. And for that? I am unspeakably sorry. There are no words to give life to the loss I feel, not just for myself, but for Ava also.

Going forward, I will no longer be speaking about my job. It is so easy to lose sight of the boundary between what you would say about your own child ("Good Lord, this kid is driving me insane!"), and what is okay to say about another child, and I just do not, in any way, want to risk the feelings of another person ever again.

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all,
Lessons learned.

[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.