What I Have Learned.

What I Have Learned (Sometimes the Hard Way)

I have been married for 17 years to my high school sweetheart. This December, we will celebrate the 25th anniversary of our first date. And yes, for those of you doing the math, Reagan was president.

Most of those years have been very happy and I feel very blessed by this man and this marriage. Over the years, I think I have learned a thing or two.

Lesson #1: Listening is different than being quiet when the other is speaking. My husband is a terrible listener. God love him, if he is distracted at all, he has probably only processed 10-20% of what I’ve said. Unfortunately, his way of dealing with this is to nod and say, “okay.” So to save our marriage, we have had to come to an understanding. I do not share important things in passing. If it is something that I need him to care about, I choose my moment and make sure that I have his full attention. I also ask more than yes/no questions so that I can discern if he has heard me. Also, if it is an event, I reinforce it in writing. We share a Google calendar and I try to give non-naggy reminders. (Notice I said “try”.)

Lesson #2: Sometimes the advice your parents gave you is true. You know all the adages – “God gave, you two ears and one mouth, use accordingly”, “Don’t go to bed angry”, etc. These are true, true, true! I especially believe in “Don’t go to bed angry”.

Lesson#3: Sometimes the advice you get from parents, friends, family, co-workers, and anyone willing is share is not true. Or at least not right for you. Just because your best friend was successful using the silent treatment doesn’t mean that you will be. Just because your mother-in-law wanted a model home quality house wherein she did everything for everyone (including your now-husband) does not mean that is what is right for you. Take advice with respect to the good intentions but with enough cynicism to realize that every relationship is different and only you and your partner really know what works in your home.

Lesson #4: Say thank you a lot. Say please. Use your manners. If you wouldn’t speak like that to a stranger, don’t speak that way to the one you love.

Lesson #5: It will be harder than you think. My husband and I have survived a lot. My brother died tragically our first year of marriage. He was deployed to Iraq. I was hospitalized with each pregnancy. He has been laid off. No gift registry can immunize you against tragedy. Rough times will come but if you choose to come together rather than move apart, you will gain the grit and resolve that lasts the years.

Lesson #6: It will be more worthwhile than you can imagine. No success in my life will ever bring the joy and fulfillment that making a life and family with my husband has. Yes, it is work; some days more than others. But I love this man more today than on my wedding day. He simply makes my world better.

Lesson #7: You cannot tell your partner you love them too often.

I think the last matters most. Never assume they know. We all like to hear it. There is no magic for staying in love but the Golden Rule is a good place to start. Make the other person feel how you’d like to feel and you will go a long way to keeping those home fires burning.

Good luck to you, and all those brave enough to commit your lives to another. May you have more happy days than sad and more kind words than mad. And may God bless and keep you through the years.

Traci Shannon blogs over at A Star in My Own Universe. She describes herself as a slightly weird, very sentimental, out-of-work actress in love with her husband and two kids trying to find herself in the life that happened while she was busy making plans.

Marriage is Forever.

I am so grateful to have the wonderful Missy from Wonder, Friend guest posting for me with her advice and realizations about marriage. Missy Stevens is a freelance writer and blogger based in Austin, TX. By day/night/weekend/holiday, she is also a wife and mom. Missy writes once a week or so on her blog, Wonder, Friend, where she ponders family, fitness, writing, and a whole lot of miscellaneous stuff. She'd love to connect with you on Twitter and Facebook, too.


About two weeks after my – I mean our – first wedding anniversary, I woke up one morning and looked over at my peacefully sleeping husband, and I thought...

Oh, man, this thing really is permanent.

I have to share this bed, and everything else, with this man for the rest of our lives.

We've survived the first year, completely in tact and happy. But now what? We're supposed to just keep going, like forever?

Forever is a long time. A very, very long time.

I know. You're all thinking, what is wrong with this woman? Is this any way to start a story in honor of B's upcoming wedding?

Yes, it is. Stick with me, and you'll see.

Mark and I were young when we got married. In fact, when I hear about 23 and 24 year old people getting married, I am always tempted to shout, “You're way too young! What are you thinking?”

And then I remember how old I was when I walked down that aisle. I wasn't old at all, as a matter of fact.

I didn't know one thing about real life. Sure, I'd rented a couple of apartments by then. Paid some bills. Done my taxes. (That's a lie. My dad did them for me.) I lived by myself. Sort of. Mark traveled all week, so he was only in the apartment on weekends, during which time he slept on the couch. (That's another lie.)

So I knew a few things about being a grown up, but in general I was still a kid. And so was Mark. We knew this, though. We were not delusional, thinking we had it all figured out. While we didn't know exactly what we didn't know, we were certain there was a lot of it. Follow that?

We considered the situation, though, and decided we had two choices:

1. Postpone marriage because everyone else said we were too young, maybe even break up for a while, try dating other people, and end up back together eventually.

2. Get married and give each other the grace – and the space – to grow up along the way.

And to all the people who thought we were crazy? Joke's on you, suckers.

Because here's the thing about marriage. It's not about the wedding (although that is an amazingly fun day, and you should revel in every second of it). It's not about being happy all the time. It's not about babies or vacations or buying a house.

Marriage is also not about the hard days. The days when you wake up, see that peacefully sleeping person, and get a pit in your stomach when the force of forever hits you. And also because, why wouldn't he be sleeping peacefully over there, with all the covers and one of your pillows?

Marriage isn't that simple. It can't be summed up in good days or bad.

Marriage is a forever thing. It's being present for the highs and the lows. It's knowing that whatever is going on today, whether your life seems like a musical or you just want to throw a box of cereal at your beloved (I never did that. Okay, that's another lie.), that it's all okay.

So be happy. Be really, really happy. But allow yourselves to be sad, and mad. Throw cereal now and then – but not more than once every 15 years (woo hoo – I'm due for another tantrum). Lie in bed at night and dream together of all the good; but don't be surprised when sometimes the last place you want to be is in bed together.

Give each other a little space, and a lot of grace. Talk often, be honest, let yourselves argue now and then. But don't forget to laugh at yourselves, too. Before you know it, you'll be back to the happy little musical theater version of your life.

B, I wish you and D a lifetime of everything. I wish you the greatest joys, and the strength to weather the greatest pains. I wish you the kind of love that sees you through it all. I wish you forever.

Starting Next Week...

Starting next Wednesday, I'll be taking a brief hiatus so that I can tie up a bunch of loose ends and take care of some last minute wedding planning and preparation before our big day. As such, I'm having a group of amazing Austin bloggers (and just some all around lovely ladies!) that are going to be guest posting for the week leading up to our wedding on the topic of - what else? - marriage!

I'd love for you all to tune in and read what they have to say. It's a diverse group - some have been married only a year or two, some over ten years, all with wonderful things to say and great advice to send me off into marriage with!
These ladies are wise beyond their years and know so much, I'm pretty sure
some should become a counselor.

In the meantime, I'm out getting my bachelorette on over this weekend - pics and stories to come Monday!