I am so grateful to have the wonderful Missy from Wonder, Friend guest posting for me with her advice and realizations about marriage. Missy Stevens is a freelance writer and blogger based in Austin, TX. By day/night/weekend/holiday, she is also a wife and mom. Missy writes once a week or so on her blog, Wonder, Friend, where she ponders family, fitness, writing, and a whole lot of miscellaneous stuff. She'd love to connect with you on Twitter and Facebook, too.
About two weeks after my – I mean our – first wedding anniversary, I woke up one morning and looked over at my peacefully sleeping husband, and I thought...
Oh, man, this thing really is permanent.
I have to share this bed, and everything else, with this man for the rest of our lives.
We've survived the first year, completely in tact and happy. But now what? We're supposed to just keep going, like forever?
Forever is a long time. A very, very long time.
I know. You're all thinking, what is wrong with this woman? Is this any way to start a story in honor of B's upcoming wedding?
Yes, it is. Stick with me, and you'll see.
Mark and I were young when we got married. In fact, when I hear about 23 and 24 year old people getting married, I am always tempted to shout, “You're way too young! What are you thinking?”
And then I remember how old I was when I walked down that aisle. I wasn't old at all, as a matter of fact.
I didn't know one thing about real life. Sure, I'd rented a couple of apartments by then. Paid some bills. Done my taxes. (That's a lie. My dad did them for me.) I lived by myself. Sort of. Mark traveled all week, so he was only in the apartment on weekends, during which time he slept on the couch. (That's another lie.)
So I knew a few things about being a grown up, but in general I was still a kid. And so was Mark. We knew this, though. We were not delusional, thinking we had it all figured out. While we didn't know exactly what we didn't know, we were certain there was a lot of it. Follow that?
We considered the situation, though, and decided we had two choices:
1. Postpone marriage because everyone else said we were too young, maybe even break up for a while, try dating other people, and end up back together eventually.
2. Get married and give each other the grace – and the space – to grow up along the way.
And to all the people who thought we were crazy? Joke's on you, suckers.
Because here's the thing about marriage. It's not about the wedding (although that is an amazingly fun day, and you should revel in every second of it). It's not about being happy all the time. It's not about babies or vacations or buying a house.
Marriage is also not about the hard days. The days when you wake up, see that peacefully sleeping person, and get a pit in your stomach when the force of forever hits you. And also because, why wouldn't he be sleeping peacefully over there, with all the covers and one of your pillows?
Marriage isn't that simple. It can't be summed up in good days or bad.
Marriage is a forever thing. It's being present for the highs and the lows. It's knowing that whatever is going on today, whether your life seems like a musical or you just want to throw a box of cereal at your beloved (I never did that. Okay, that's another lie.), that it's all okay.
So be happy. Be really, really happy. But allow yourselves to be sad, and mad. Throw cereal now and then – but not more than once every 15 years (woo hoo – I'm due for another tantrum). Lie in bed at night and dream together of all the good; but don't be surprised when sometimes the last place you want to be is in bed together.
Give each other a little space, and a lot of grace. Talk often, be honest, let yourselves argue now and then. But don't forget to laugh at yourselves, too. Before you know it, you'll be back to the happy little musical theater version of your life.
B, I wish you and D a lifetime of everything. I wish you the greatest joys, and the strength to weather the greatest pains. I wish you the kind of love that sees you through it all. I wish you forever.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
Always Kiss Goodnight.
Priscilla writes at and is also known as The Wheelchair Mommy. She has 4 boys (3 if you don't count her husband!) and is a happy stay at home mommy. She has been married over nine years.
I know it sounds cliche' but it's true, and so important. It's the one piece of advice I ALWAYS give to new couples.
ALWAYS KISS GOODNIGHT!
[caption id="attachment_4881" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Photo credits: The Wheelchair Mommy"]
[/caption]
No matter what, even if you hate your spouse with every ounce of your being that night. KISS. It can be a quick peck or a deep romantic, beautiful, lingering kiss. Just never forget.
I just celebrated my ninth anniversary in December and we still follow this rule. The only time we don't kiss? When one of us is sick, of course. In sickness and in health does have it's limits!
Why is this important?! Intimacy. We all have such busy lives with work, kids and other responsibilities that we sometimes forget to slow down and just make time for each other. If nothing else, have this one little bitty thing, every night.
I have no hesitation when I say this, kissing goodnight, every night, has been an important part of making my marriage the happy marriage it still is today.
I know it sounds cliche' but it's true, and so important. It's the one piece of advice I ALWAYS give to new couples.
ALWAYS KISS GOODNIGHT!
[caption id="attachment_4881" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="Photo credits: The Wheelchair Mommy"]
[/caption]No matter what, even if you hate your spouse with every ounce of your being that night. KISS. It can be a quick peck or a deep romantic, beautiful, lingering kiss. Just never forget.
I just celebrated my ninth anniversary in December and we still follow this rule. The only time we don't kiss? When one of us is sick, of course. In sickness and in health does have it's limits!
Why is this important?! Intimacy. We all have such busy lives with work, kids and other responsibilities that we sometimes forget to slow down and just make time for each other. If nothing else, have this one little bitty thing, every night.
I have no hesitation when I say this, kissing goodnight, every night, has been an important part of making my marriage the happy marriage it still is today.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Advice to a Newlywed.
Sometimes, I’d like to kill him. That’s the truth. When we argue, my stomach turns in knots and it feels like I am clawing out from the inside, and I want to escape. The closeness, the reality, the expectations… it’s all too much, at times. I yearn to run away, temporarily.
But then the morning comes, and the vestiges of that argument is washed away watching him sleep as I get up with our son. And when our son says, “Daddy, I yuv you” and I see the love reflected in my husband’s eyes, I melt inside. I don’t want to be anyplace else in the world.
His arms are my sanctuary; his back is strong even though he carries all three of us. My husband is the chicken and our family is the egg. It is overwhelming, knowing that you have pledged your life to this person and you are committed. The irony should not be lost on you that “committed” may sometimes remind you of a relationship and sometimes an insane asylum.
If you remember that, your arguments will be short-lived and you will stay on the same path. Remember that love is a VERB. Real love takes work, and you must remind yourself why you fell in love in the first place. What is it that you love about him? How did you arrive at this stop on your life journey?
There are many reasons my first marriage failed, including our own respective family histories. His parents divorced when he was 2, and he never had a strong model for a family unit. Every argument meant that he had one foot out the door, and our relationship balanced precariously on a seesaw. That became my new normal, and combined with my own family history of parents who had been married for over 30 years at that point, I thought that love meant that you stick it out, no matter what. There is a balance somewhere in there.
Divorce sucks, no matter what the reason is. For the salvation of yourself as well as your relationship, do everything you can to be present in your marriage, and seek help if you need to. There is no shame in finding a professional counselor when you’ve hit a wall. It happens. Remember that you have many years to go in your own journey, and you have much growing to do, along with your marriage, and your daughter. Your marriage will change as she grows as well, and each stage of life will bring new challenges.
Meet those challenges head on, with the knowledge that this is your family, and they have your back. Create your own set of rules that works for you. For instance, “Don’t go to bed angry” never worked that well for me but “Get over it and move on in the morning” works perfectly. Our arguments flare and flame out quickly. We say “I’m sorry” and mean it. We show each other a great deal of affection and respect, and we try to fight fair (it’s a learning process).
Have faith in faith. And in each other. And in this beautiful life you are creating, three souls woven together. Love, patience, and respect will carry you a long way. Always remember to show how much you love him and you’ll find that the tough times will be a little easier to take.
Best wishes, B! I am so happy for you and wish for you a lifetime of love.
Kristin is a mother of a sweet 2-year-old boy and wife to a fantastic 6th-generation Texan, living in Austin, Texas. Loves: her baby boy, airplanes, airports, classic cars, sports, Italy, and dessert; not necessarily in that order. You can reach her via Twitter @AustinKVS or via her blog, Two Cannoli
But then the morning comes, and the vestiges of that argument is washed away watching him sleep as I get up with our son. And when our son says, “Daddy, I yuv you” and I see the love reflected in my husband’s eyes, I melt inside. I don’t want to be anyplace else in the world.
His arms are my sanctuary; his back is strong even though he carries all three of us. My husband is the chicken and our family is the egg. It is overwhelming, knowing that you have pledged your life to this person and you are committed. The irony should not be lost on you that “committed” may sometimes remind you of a relationship and sometimes an insane asylum.
If you remember that, your arguments will be short-lived and you will stay on the same path. Remember that love is a VERB. Real love takes work, and you must remind yourself why you fell in love in the first place. What is it that you love about him? How did you arrive at this stop on your life journey?
There are many reasons my first marriage failed, including our own respective family histories. His parents divorced when he was 2, and he never had a strong model for a family unit. Every argument meant that he had one foot out the door, and our relationship balanced precariously on a seesaw. That became my new normal, and combined with my own family history of parents who had been married for over 30 years at that point, I thought that love meant that you stick it out, no matter what. There is a balance somewhere in there.
Divorce sucks, no matter what the reason is. For the salvation of yourself as well as your relationship, do everything you can to be present in your marriage, and seek help if you need to. There is no shame in finding a professional counselor when you’ve hit a wall. It happens. Remember that you have many years to go in your own journey, and you have much growing to do, along with your marriage, and your daughter. Your marriage will change as she grows as well, and each stage of life will bring new challenges.
Meet those challenges head on, with the knowledge that this is your family, and they have your back. Create your own set of rules that works for you. For instance, “Don’t go to bed angry” never worked that well for me but “Get over it and move on in the morning” works perfectly. Our arguments flare and flame out quickly. We say “I’m sorry” and mean it. We show each other a great deal of affection and respect, and we try to fight fair (it’s a learning process).
Have faith in faith. And in each other. And in this beautiful life you are creating, three souls woven together. Love, patience, and respect will carry you a long way. Always remember to show how much you love him and you’ll find that the tough times will be a little easier to take.
Best wishes, B! I am so happy for you and wish for you a lifetime of love.
Kristin is a mother of a sweet 2-year-old boy and wife to a fantastic 6th-generation Texan, living in Austin, Texas. Loves: her baby boy, airplanes, airports, classic cars, sports, Italy, and dessert; not necessarily in that order. You can reach her via Twitter @AustinKVS or via her blog, Two Cannoli
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Who's Ready to (Bachelorette) Party?
We sure were, that's who! I had the best, best, BEST weekend! My BFF (literally, I've known her my ENTIRE life) flew out to Austin from San Francisco to spend the weekend partying it up and celebrating bachelorette style. On top of that, my other closest and most amazing friend, Basil, threw my bachelorette party at the W Hotel's Wet Deck pool, complete with a large cabana, bottle service, and non-stop fun! It was literally the best day ever!
Here are some pictures from Katy's first day and a half in town, before the bachelorette celebrations really got underway and started to wipe our memories - hehe!
Picking Katy up from the airport:
Shopping at the Domain (round one - we went back the next day for more!):
Boot shopping at Allen's on South Congress:
Ava joined us for as long as she could hold out, but there is only so much wedding dress fitting, venue checking-out, shopping and Mexican food eating that one two-year-old can stand, so after we ate a delish lunch at Guero's on South Congress, David took A home while Katy and I continued our shopping and then went to get tanned for the bachelorette festivities. There is so much to do to get ready for this wedding, I could have definitely benefited from training for pmp certification!
Once I was bronzed all over, we headed back to the Domain for an amazing Italian dinner at NoRTH (though why I wanted to eat a bowl of pasta and drink a bottle of wine the day before I was to be photographed and seen in a bikini is BEYOND me!) :P
Here are some blog-appropriate shots from the bachelorette festivities. Again, such an AMAZING time!
My best friend Baz (and my man of honor!)!
So. Much. Fun.
Oh brother...
Me and Katy!
Things may have gotten a bit blurry here (check the hat!)!
What? You don't frequently play Pin the Macho on the Man?!
I may or may not have been a dancing machine to Madonna's new album...
Me and Ava's godfather and his partner - two of the best guys I know!
Post-Vivo dinner:
Prom style picture with Erik
One of the best weekends ever! Now, all we have left is to actually tie the knot!!!
Here are some pictures from Katy's first day and a half in town, before the bachelorette celebrations really got underway and started to wipe our memories - hehe!
Picking Katy up from the airport:
Shopping at the Domain (round one - we went back the next day for more!):
Boot shopping at Allen's on South Congress:
Ava joined us for as long as she could hold out, but there is only so much wedding dress fitting, venue checking-out, shopping and Mexican food eating that one two-year-old can stand, so after we ate a delish lunch at Guero's on South Congress, David took A home while Katy and I continued our shopping and then went to get tanned for the bachelorette festivities. There is so much to do to get ready for this wedding, I could have definitely benefited from training for pmp certification!
Once I was bronzed all over, we headed back to the Domain for an amazing Italian dinner at NoRTH (though why I wanted to eat a bowl of pasta and drink a bottle of wine the day before I was to be photographed and seen in a bikini is BEYOND me!) :P
Here are some blog-appropriate shots from the bachelorette festivities. Again, such an AMAZING time!
My best friend Baz (and my man of honor!)!
So. Much. Fun.
Oh brother...
Me and Katy!
Things may have gotten a bit blurry here (check the hat!)!
What? You don't frequently play Pin the Macho on the Man?!
I may or may not have been a dancing machine to Madonna's new album...
Me and Ava's godfather and his partner - two of the best guys I know!
Post-Vivo dinner:
Prom style picture with Erik
One of the best weekends ever! Now, all we have left is to actually tie the knot!!!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Starting Next Week...
Starting next Wednesday, I'll be taking a brief hiatus so that I can tie up a bunch of loose ends and take care of some last minute wedding planning and preparation before our big day. As such, I'm having a group of amazing Austin bloggers (and just some all around lovely ladies!) that are going to be guest posting for the week leading up to our wedding on the topic of - what else? - marriage!
I'd love for you all to tune in and read what they have to say. It's a diverse group - some have been married only a year or two, some over ten years, all with wonderful things to say and great advice to send me off into marriage with!
These ladies are wise beyond their years and know so much, I'm pretty sure
some should become a counselor.
In the meantime, I'm out getting my bachelorette on over this weekend - pics and stories to come Monday!
I'd love for you all to tune in and read what they have to say. It's a diverse group - some have been married only a year or two, some over ten years, all with wonderful things to say and great advice to send me off into marriage with!
These ladies are wise beyond their years and know so much, I'm pretty sure
some should become a counselor.
In the meantime, I'm out getting my bachelorette on over this weekend - pics and stories to come Monday!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
