Thursday, March 29, 2012

Advice to a Newlywed.

Sometimes, I’d like to kill him. That’s the truth. When we argue, my stomach turns in knots and it feels like I am clawing out from the inside, and I want to escape. The closeness, the reality, the expectations… it’s all too much, at times. I yearn to run away, temporarily.

But then the morning comes, and the vestiges of that argument is washed away watching him sleep as I get up with our son. And when our son says, “Daddy, I yuv you” and I see the love reflected in my husband’s eyes, I melt inside. I don’t want to be anyplace else in the world.

His arms are my sanctuary; his back is strong even though he carries all three of us. My husband is the chicken and our family is the egg. It is overwhelming, knowing that you have pledged your life to this person and you are committed. The irony should not be lost on you that “committed” may sometimes remind you of a relationship and sometimes an insane asylum.

If you remember that, your arguments will be short-lived and you will stay on the same path. Remember that love is a VERB. Real love takes work, and you must remind yourself why you fell in love in the first place. What is it that you love about him? How did you arrive at this stop on your life journey?

There are many reasons my first marriage failed, including our own respective family histories. His parents divorced when he was 2, and he never had a strong model for a family unit. Every argument meant that he had one foot out the door, and our relationship balanced precariously on a seesaw. That became my new normal, and combined with my own family history of parents who had been married for over 30 years at that point, I thought that love meant that you stick it out, no matter what. There is a balance somewhere in there.

Divorce sucks, no matter what the reason is. For the salvation of yourself as well as your relationship, do everything you can to be present in your marriage, and seek help if you need to. There is no shame in finding a professional counselor when you’ve hit a wall. It happens. Remember that you have many years to go in your own journey, and you have much growing to do, along with your marriage, and your daughter. Your marriage will change as she grows as well, and each stage of life will bring new challenges.

Meet those challenges head on, with the knowledge that this is your family, and they have your back. Create your own set of rules that works for you. For instance, “Don’t go to bed angry” never worked that well for me but “Get over it and move on in the morning” works perfectly. Our arguments flare and flame out quickly. We say “I’m sorry” and mean it. We show each other a great deal of affection and respect, and we try to fight fair (it’s a learning process).

Have faith in faith. And in each other. And in this beautiful life you are creating, three souls woven together. Love, patience, and respect will carry you a long way. Always remember to show how much you love him and you’ll find that the tough times will be a little easier to take.

Best wishes, B! I am so happy for you and wish for you a lifetime of love.

Kristin is a mother of a sweet 2-year-old boy and wife to a fantastic 6th-generation Texan, living in Austin, Texas. Loves: her baby boy, airplanes, airports, classic cars, sports, Italy, and dessert; not necessarily in that order. You can reach her via Twitter @AustinKVS or via her blog, Two Cannoli


  1. I will definitely say that I appreciate someone else saying that "Never go to bed angry" doesn't work for them. To me, going to bed angry rather than pushing an issue in the heat of the moment has almost always helped rather than hurt, as the next morning I woke up with things in perspective and having slept on words I would have wanted to take back.

    Thank you so much, Kristin! This is such wonderful advice, and I'll be sure to consult you in the future :)


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