Erring on the Side of Love.

Before I was a parent, I had all sorts of opinions on what parenting should look like. As a nanny, I thought I knew more than your average childless person - and when it comes to experience with children, I did. But there is nothing - not even full-time nannying - that stands in for actual parenting experience, and all of those "I'll never…" I spouted out prior to having a child of my own, well, let's just say they've nearly all fallen by the wayside.

One of the biggest things I frowned upon was in relation to infant sleep (isn't it always?), and how I would surely sleep train my baby and never, ever let it become a habit to have them fall asleep next to me, or - God forbid - let them fall asleep in my bed. I also, on my pre-parenting blog that some of you may remember from years and years back, once posted about how horrified I was that there was a woman nursing what was obviously a toddler too old to be breastfed still - I mean, if they're old enough to ask for it, they're too old, amiright? (*please note the sarcasm*). To this day, that remains the only post I've ever written that I have later felt embarrassed about. Before you AP'ers roll your eyes and leave the page, however, let me get to the heart of this post: 

I was wrong.

Now, surely, we can all admit that there is no one way to do anything. But for me, for us, for our particular family, I am so thankful that despite having it all figured out prior to having my babies, I was open enough to parenting philosophies to embrace change and realize that attachment parenting is entirely worth all that you put into it. Extended breastfeeding? Check! I nursed Ava to 27 months, and will let Jack self-wean as well, despite the seemingly never-ending barbs of, "She's still nursing?", or "When are you planning to stop?" It remains one of my most proud accomplishments, and I've accomplished a lot! 

Though I was an almost immediate convert from eh-I'll-breastfeed-because-I-know-it's-best to OMG-this-bonding-is-my-favorite-part-of-having-a-newborn, I wasn't as quick to adopt bed-sharing. There is SO much negative stigma attached to bed-sharing, perpetuated mainly by those who know nothing about it and have been misinformed. Rather than the death trap it was made out to be by hospital staff and others, bed-sharing has actually been one of the most amazing gifts I could give, both to myself and to my infants. The first six months of Ava's life were spent in a constant state of fear: Was she breathing? Would she survive infancy? How could I know she was safe without staying awake and watching her breathe? We quickly purchased the popular AngelCare movement monitor that went under her bassinet mattress to ensure she continued to move and breathe, but in order to keep it sensitive enough, it was too sensitive, and the false alarms convinced me that I was awakening to my worst nightmare. Exhausted and at the end of my rope, I read this beautiful and eye-opening article from Dr. Sears when she was nearly six months old, and I've had a baby in my bed every night since. 

I'd be lying if I said that it's been the easiest journey, but it surely has been the most peaceful, and the right one for us. I've been met with many condescending remarks and flat-out argumentative and misinformed busybodies, but never once have I regretted my choices to parent with as much love as I possibly can. My babies have never been left to cry themselves to sleep. I know that sleep training is the norm, and again, I'm not here to judge others parenting choices, only to lament what has worked for us, and what I know I won't regret looking back on. But sleep training - really a formal way of saying letting baby cry it out and learn to sleep alone - is not something that sits well with me, nor is it something that works for my family. I don't have all the answers. I don't know how my everyday parenting choices will inevitably effect my children in the long run. But what I do know is this: If I'm going to have to guess either way, isn't it better to err on the side of loving them too much? Isn't it better to be too available to them, rather than leaving them feeling abandoned and isolated? Isn't it preferable to have cuddled them too much, rather than not enough? Those questions formed the basis of my decisions to adopt attachment parenting techniques and formed the foundation of my own personal parenting philosophy, and so I ask today: 

What shaped your parenting philosophies? What pre-conceived notions about parenting did you abandon once your own children arrived? Which did you adopt as your own? What are some parenting resources or research articles that swayed your ideas about parenting?

I'm Doing My Best.

Lately, I find myself uttering the phrase, "I'm doing my best!" on a regular basis. In fact, it's become a part of my weekly repertoire when it comes to things I say to people as the answer to many a question, including how I'm adjusting to my new fall schedule, to my husband being in grad school, to Ava's sometimes never-ending tantrums and the demands of several children all day.

The other day, I was talking to another mother about Ava's sleeping schedule. Recently, she's gone from a night owl to flat out exhausted come 6PM. I attribute much of this to my newly minted fall schedule, which includes a couple of very early mornings and some long days mixed in. In fact, she's been so tired lately, I have been taking a pull-up and pajamas with me each day, feeding her dinner at ridiculous times (try 4:45!), and bathing her during the day, so that way when she inevitably falls asleep on the drive home a few days a week, we're not unprepared (I'd be lying if I said I didn't love this some nights, especially when D has class and I'm completely alone without anyone else's demands for hours. HOURS!) Anyhow, back to the topic at hand, Ava had previous been an unpredictable sleeper. She prefers to stay up later than most toddlers (she would easily go for a nightly 9pm bedtime or later if I'd allow it), needs help to fall asleep, etc. In short, while she's a low maintenance, well-behaved child, she's kind of a diva when it comes to bedtime.

The other mother I was talking to was relaying that her household was having a similar issue, with her child sometimes taking over an hour and a half to fall asleep, and ending up in their bed at night. I talked to her about how I could completely relate: Ava had slept in the pack-n-play in our room for the first five months, and then we chose to co-sleep from that point on. While that was a choice I still do not regret, it's been anything but the easy choice. Because of my opposition to allowing A to cry it out, we chose a gentler method for our bedtime routine, most frequently where one of us would lay with her (me, usually, nursing her) until she fell asleep peacefully and without crying and other stressful emotions. To this day, despite the presence of a full-sized bed in her own big girl room, we continue to co-sleep.

Now here's the point where I interject that I still do not regret that decision. The time that we've spent cuddled up to our daughter, sleeping peacefully together as a family, is time that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I adore her sweet little snores, the way that she twirls my hair in her sleep, and her natural tendency to gravitate towards me in her sleep. I feel certain that our co-sleeping practice is one of the reasons that Ava and I are so close, and why our breastfeeding relationship lasted as long as it did. But...

For all the times that I've patted myself on the back, I've wondered just as many if I'm screwing Ava up by catering to her sleeping whims like this. If she wouldn't be better off having been allowed to cry it out and work through it herself. If I'm doing the wrong thing.

Isn't that term scary? The "wrong thing", that is. As parents, we face choices for the sake and futures of our children on a daily basis. Whether it's regarding what they're eating, how they're sleeping, who they're friends with, how you've handled their temper tantrums (and they ALL have them, take it from me!), we're so concerned with doing things right and avoiding doing the dreaded "wrong thing" that will send our kids to therapy and cause them to hate us well beyond their teenage years.

The point to this long-winded drivel? Whether or not you co-sleep or allow your child to cry it out, breastfeed or formula feed, allow our children processed food or not, and so on and so forth, we are all doing our very best. Coming from someone who once worked for Child Protective Services, believe me when I say that the vast majority of parents are feeling this out through trial-and-error and doing the very best with what they have to work with. Despite our own personal feelings towards what is "right" when it comes to parenting, there's no one answer. In short, we're all doing our very best (with the obvious exception of a few standout situations, such as child abuse and neglect, etc - obviously.).

Before I was a parent, and especially with being a nanny and having an inside view of the parenting ideologies of other parents, it was easy to judge. I'd see a mom handling a tantrum in the grocery store a certain way and, in typical childless fashion, make a mental note of how I would "never" do that. You know, like when I carried Ava, kicking and screaming, from Target? Yeah, I thought that certainly my child would never behave in a way that necessitated that. Or the time that I bribed her with candy to get her into her car seat after another said fit in a public place because I was so completely worn out from handling the situation that I would have bought her a baby Hummer if that was her request to make it end. Or how I nursed my fully-grown toddler not only past her first year, but past her second, and allow her to sleep in our bed? Yeah, I'd "never" do that ;)

My point, though I'm currently taking a while to arrive there (sorry!), is to be kind to your fellow mothers. Or, if you're childless, consider karma before you give the evil eye to a mom who is struggling to handle their overtired two-year-old - ha! We're all in the same boat. We've all (barring those with round-the-clocks nannies, chefs, and a plethora of home employees) had a child fall completely apart in public. We've all been up five times in one night with a deadline looming and a cold coming on. We've all had a baby on our hip, dinner burning on the stove and the phone ringing. So the next time you see a  parent unraveling in front of you, cut them some slack. Or, better yet, lend them a helping, non-judgmental hand. Chances are, they're doing their best.

Why I'm Offended by Time Magazine's Breastfeeding Cover

By now, chances are you've seen the new Time Magazine cover featuring a mother breastfeeding her three-year-old son. It certainly seems to be making waves quickly, and leaving more than a usual amount of people in an uproar. I definitely am offended by this cover, but not for the reason you would think.

As you all know, I breastfed Ava until last month, when she was 27 months old. She's 37" tall. Chances are, she wouldn't even need the chair the little boy is standing on to nurse from his mother. So, rest assured, I'm not narrow-minded enough to be offended by the image. What I AM offended by, however, is Time Magazine's blatant use of an innocent image to stir up controversy amongst readers in order to promote an article that has significantly less to do with extended breastfeeding than the cover leads you to believe.

To make matters worse, the caption accompanying the photo, asking, "Are you mom enough?" is additionally offensive to me. When your sole purpose is to examine attachment parenting and - at least based upon the little bit of the article you can read without being a subscriber until the print version hits newsstands on May 21 - paint it in a negative light based on extremist views, the last thing you should do is attempt to pit mothers against one another based on their parenting philosophies (and based upon their feelings on breastfeeding, whether extended or not).

Shame on you, Time Magazine. You present what appears to be (again, based on what little you can read of the article at this point in time) a narrow idea about attachment parenting, with a focus on the most extreme tenants and observers of the philosophy. I would comfortably say that I most closely follow along with attachment parenting (we extended breastfed, Ava co-slept/sleeps, and we use gentle methods of guidance to discipline), but do I feel it takes away from my ability to be a woman? Or to be someone outside of a mother? Absolutely not. There are plenty of people who subscribe to an attachment parenting school of thought that do so moderately, and presenting the argument that it is potentially bad for the family is small-minded and potentially harmful.

What do YOU think about the Time Magazine breastfeeding cover? The image? The article? Do you agree about the way the information is presented?