I apologize friends because, honestly, this is going to be one long, FURIOUS rant.
Something has to give. I feel like I'm about a day away from running away and never coming back. And I know that those are not thoughts of a sane woman. But to be honest - as sleep-deprived as I am, I'm probably quickly slipping into crazy.
It's not Ava's fault, though. It's David's.
He's making me crazy. CRAZY. As in, I'm really starting to resent him, and resentment breeds nothing good. Trust me. Hence why I'm sitting out here on the futon (The futon I fucking hate by the way. I HATE IT.) sobbing, eating cereal (I know, but this is my passive way of saying, "Yes I CAN do what I want", yet another thing I'll feel guilty for later) and reevaluating my life. Or more honestly, my relationship.
I'm just SO tired. And I swear to God if he tells me one more time that my insomnia is "weird" and how he "doesn't know anyone else who can't sleep" I'm going to lose my mind. Really? Do you think people sit around at work or at bars or wherever and talk about how they can't sleep at night. Uh, no. They blog about it. Duh.
And really?
REALLY?
Is it surprising or weird or even not totally normal that after NINE MONTHS of being the only damn person to wake up with her at night and most nights more than once, is it REALLY any wonder that my sleep cycle is all over the map? Even tonight, while he went out with some of our friends (and had the audacity to complain about feeling obligated to go, as if I wouldn't a.) kill for a night out and b.) rather him be home with me helping me out for a change) it's almost 5AM, and I've slept two hours.
Let me tell you buddy. There's a difference between being awake half the night caring for a baby and trying desperately to carve out a weeeee bit of time for oneself after virtually never having any, and being awake half the night because you were out socializing until 3AM. OK? So if you're tired and think you deserve to sleep through her wakings or sleep in in the morning, you've got another thing coming.
Except, naturally, he'll say what he always does.
"She only wants you."
Yeah, no shit. Because you've been passing nighttime daddy duty off on me since the day we came home from the hospital, and I'm her source of comfort. I'm the one that takes care of her, so I'm the one she wants to take care of her.
But you know what? MAN UP. I cannot do it all. I am not superwoman. I cannot care for our baby nonstop, work part-time out of the home and part-time at home writing (which reminds me, when I calm down I have great news to share!), care for our home and buy sympathy cards for YOUR dad when YOUR grandpa dies and be the one to look into the pest control or whatever Godforsaken thing you're asking me to do that should be delegated to someone with MORE time and MORE sleep.
If she wants me and is crying, comfort her. Build up her confidence in you. FIGURE IT THE HELL OUT AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
Should I stop breastfeeding? Is that the solution? So I can say, no actually she wants anyone with food? So she won't smell me and want me? I don't want to, obviously, because I love it and she loves it. But right now a little bit I hate him, and I resent being the only person awake and the only person giving up dairy (except five minutes ago) and the ONLY PERSON MAKING SACRIFICES.
I'm officially a stark-raving lunatic, and I, for a change, do not care. I don't think I need to up my PPD meds - which he might suggest if I was yelling this at him instead of internally - and I don't think this is all sleep-deprivation fueled. I just cannot understand why one person, who is so negative and toxic and life-sucking lately, can be so useless and just sit back and watch another person struggle to stay above water while doing absolutely everything.
Right now, a little bit, I hate him.
This is like it was written by me. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Everything you just wrote. True. It's a man thing, I think. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's probably one of the hardest things ever. I wish I could guarentee you it'll get better, but alas, I cannot. Have you thought of councelling? It helped when we were going through it after our first. We are planning to go back again, since after our second, it's gone downhill again.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. ((Hugs))
I'm so so sorry you're so stresed. :( You definitely don't deserve that at all.
ReplyDeleteI think it's in guys' blood to just sleep through night time wakings. I can count on one hand (really, I just need 3 fingers) how many times he has woken up with Bryson, and there were times where he was up 4 times a night. When he did wake up, it was literally for 10 minutes and then he came and got me out of bed. UGH! I hear ya on the sleep deprived part, too. Being up for hours at night and then working full time...no bueno. Except, I don't have trouble sleeping when I do get a chance. I actually feel like I could fall asleep at any given moment of the day! haha
But, I am so sorry about everything. Maybe talking to someone would be a good idea and help get him on the same page as you. At least help him to see where you're coming from?
Thinking of you!!
Oh, girl. All I can say is "men will be men". They just don't understand. PERIOD. Brandon never even hears Presley (or at least he claims he can't). Of course, the monitor is always on MY side of the bed.
ReplyDeleteI totally freaked out on Brandon a few weeks ago, and he has gotten a lot better. I hate feeling resentment and that is exactly what was happening to me. It's a bad place to be. Don't stop nursing. If you still love it, you need to keep going or that will be one more thing you will be resentful about.
I'm so sorry your going through this. Seriously, there is nothing worse than not being able to fall asleep. Oh wait, yes there is...not being able to fall asleep and having to get up with a baby. I have been having some trouble falling asleep lately, as well. My body is exhausted, but my brain won't quit.
I hope things get better soon. You deserve a much needed break, Mama!!!!
I could have written this myself, trust me. But please, don't stop nursing. If it is going well for you, continue. It was so hard for me to do it, get up all the time, hear the "he only wants you" think, but at the end, I hated it when it was over. I cherish that time now.
ReplyDeleteNothing infuriates me more then crawling back to bed and hearing my husband snore. I wish it was me snoring and not worrying about whether or not Brayden is ok. Men. Hang in there.
The only advice I can give is to try and think of the future, not the moment. There's a great song out by Darius Rucker called, "It won't be like this for long." Makes me cry every time. Speaking as someone who has been doing nearly everything on my own for the last 6 months, it's the only way I get through each day. The first weekend we were able to spend with my husband back in August, he flew into to Texas to attend my sister's wedding. He went to play golf with my father in the morning and would be done around 1pm, then had to be at the church by 3pm. His response when I informed him of this was, "Oh good, I have time for an hour nap." My jaw dropped. I said, "No, you have an hour to spend with your daughter who you haven't seen since the beginning of June." His response to THAT was, "Oh, I forgot." YOU FORGOT YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER?? Once I calmed down, I realized he'd been living basically the single life for the last three months. It's not automatic for him to immediately think of his daughter every waking moment like I do. I kept repeating to myself, "It won't be like this for long." I have to do this every morning, every afternoon, and every night when I go to bed. I have to do this at midnight when our daughter wakes up crying and I need to get up and soothe her back to sleep. I have to do this when she wakes up again at 1:30 and again at 2:00 and again when I finally give up and bring her to bed with me where she tosses and turns and climbs all over me until it's time to get up and get ready for a full workday ahead at 5:30am. I had to do this for the first four months of her life when my husband WAS home and he contentedly slept through the night while I got up to feed her and pump. It won't be like this for long. I love her more than life. My husband means well, but he just doesn't quite comprehend what I feel, why I feel it and how to deal with it, so I have to take a deep breath and deal with it in my own way. It's the only way to stay sane. I appreciate the little things he does do, as well as the big things like when he came home for a surprise visit a few weeks ago and completely cleaned out the garage so I could park inside it and wouldn't have to worry about Riley getting soaked when it rains. A great quote I heard on a movie I watched: "Having kids is like getting a tattoo on your face. You better be fully committed." I am, he is (even though it doesn't seem like it sometimes), and it won't be like this for long. {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteWow. First of all, you really need to talk to him and maybe just let him read this post for himself. I have been doing it on my own since day 1, so I know how you feel regarding that. I am the only one who has ever put Jack to bed and gotten up with him. Other than his daycare provider, I am the only one who has ever fed him or even changed his diaper!! I can count on one hand the number of times I have been out past 6 since Jack was born. Other than work, he's always with me. It's really hard sometimes but I love being a mom and all that comes with it. However, if I had someone at home who could be and should be helping out but wasn't? I'd go ballistic! She's his daughter too and he's there every day. There isn't any reason why he can't be the one to comfort her. By now she should know who he is and trust and love him. Like you said, he needs to man up. Be responsible and be a father. You really need to talk to him. Oh, and don't quit nursing just to prove a point. You'll regret it later! It's hard, but it is also very rewarding and I know you love it. I really hope you and David can work this out and become a better team.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to hear the good news about your writing!
Don't stop nursing unless you truly want/need too. Fathers, and other family can form bonds with nursing babies.
ReplyDeleteWhen my little one was born--my hubby had to work the night shift so that I could keep my job and he stayed home with Munchkin during the day....for a year. There were nights that I cried not knowing what to do during those growths spurts and seemingly not enough hours to sleep. I was alone. BUT, hubby supported me and Munchkin by providing a warm, loving environment while I was at work. So--what I am trying to say here is that the bond can happen, and there has to be a give and take in the relationship.
So, you can have a heart to heart with him-- but he is only going to change his behavior if he wants...regardless of what you say. Perhaps it is time for some soul searching and figuring out what you want...need...and what's going to be best for your lil Ava.
On the bright side--I can't wait to hear your good writing news!! Share!
So sorry. I can't complain about my husband- but the insomina? check. It sucks SOO bad to be up all night and then have 2 babies NEED me all day. But hey, it lets me get blog reading done. ;-)
ReplyDeleteOh and the cereal? Now I want fruit loops. Thanks. A lot. lol
Ah, the epiphany I had in third grade was correct: BOYS ARE DUMB.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about the insomnia--and I'm right there with you. It's 12:42 a.m. and Anne didn't go to sleep until 10:30, after crying for two hours (teething). I think I'm going to lose my mind.
So I guess we're in good company. :-)
Hope you can get some sleep soon. And don't quit nursing Ava until you're ready.
I'm going with Waterfall's above comment - sometimes, "Boys are dumb."
ReplyDeleteAnd welcome to TMC! So glad you joined us!
Oh man, this is so ironic b/c I just went through a similar situation with my husband. I feel like for the past 9 months I've been the only one getting up with him 98% of the time! I finally went into the bedroom last week & told him he was going to let me sleep in on Saturday & that was it. I gave him the monitor Friday night & I woke up at 7 AM to the baby crying & no Jason waking up. Well, I got up with the baby & was PISSED. I went into the bedroom & reached for the monitor sitting next to Jason & it was turned all the way down. He did wake up though & took over & I actually slept in until 1:30! Stand your ground girl! I work full-time & so does my hubby. I totally feel your pain on this one though. My doctor prescribed me Ambien to help me sleep & it really helps. Not sure if you want to go in that direction though, but maybe you can talk to your doctor about it.
ReplyDeleteHang in there!
<3 Bon