I apologize friends because, honestly, this is going to be one long, FURIOUS rant.
Something has to give. I feel like I'm about a day away from running away and never coming back. And I know that those are not thoughts of a sane woman. But to be honest - as sleep-deprived as I am, I'm probably quickly slipping into crazy.
It's not Ava's fault, though. It's David's.
He's making me crazy. CRAZY. As in, I'm really starting to resent him, and resentment breeds nothing good. Trust me. Hence why I'm sitting out here on the futon (The futon I fucking hate by the way. I HATE IT.) sobbing, eating cereal (I know, but this is my passive way of saying, "Yes I CAN do what I want", yet another thing I'll feel guilty for later) and reevaluating my life. Or more honestly, my relationship.
I'm just SO tired. And I swear to God if he tells me one more time that my insomnia is "weird" and how he "doesn't know anyone else who can't sleep" I'm going to lose my mind. Really? Do you think people sit around at work or at bars or wherever and talk about how they can't sleep at night. Uh, no. They blog about it. Duh.
Is it surprising or weird or even not totally normal that after NINE MONTHS of being the only damn person to wake up with her at night and most nights more than once, is it REALLY any wonder that my sleep cycle is all over the map? Even tonight, while he went out with some of our friends (and had the audacity to complain about feeling obligated to go, as if I wouldn't a.) kill for a night out and b.) rather him be home with me helping me out for a change) it's almost 5AM, and I've slept two hours.
Let me tell you buddy. There's a difference between being awake half the night caring for a baby and trying desperately to carve out a weeeee bit of time for oneself after virtually never having any, and being awake half the night because you were out socializing until 3AM. OK? So if you're tired and think you deserve to sleep through her wakings or sleep in in the morning, you've got another thing coming.
Except, naturally, he'll say what he always does.
"She only wants you."
Yeah, no shit. Because you've been passing nighttime daddy duty off on me since the day we came home from the hospital, and I'm her source of comfort. I'm the one that takes care of her, so I'm the one she wants to take care of her.
But you know what? MAN UP. I cannot do it all. I am not superwoman. I cannot care for our baby nonstop, work part-time out of the home and part-time at home writing (which reminds me, when I calm down I have great news to share!), care for our home and buy sympathy cards for YOUR dad when YOUR grandpa dies and be the one to look into the pest control or whatever Godforsaken thing you're asking me to do that should be delegated to someone with MORE time and MORE sleep.
If she wants me and is crying, comfort her. Build up her confidence in you. FIGURE IT THE HELL OUT AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
Should I stop breastfeeding? Is that the solution? So I can say, no actually she wants anyone with food? So she won't smell me and want me? I don't want to, obviously, because I love it and she loves it. But right now a little bit I hate him, and I resent being the only person awake and the only person giving up dairy (except five minutes ago) and the ONLY PERSON MAKING SACRIFICES.
I'm officially a stark-raving lunatic, and I, for a change, do not care. I don't think I need to up my PPD meds - which he might suggest if I was yelling this at him instead of internally - and I don't think this is all sleep-deprivation fueled. I just cannot understand why one person, who is so negative and toxic and life-sucking lately, can be so useless and just sit back and watch another person struggle to stay above water while doing absolutely everything.
Right now, a little bit, I hate him.