It's so silly. I don't know how I didn't realize it sooner.
I may not have mentioned, but in a little over a month, my job goes part-time. S, the littlest girl, is going to a Montessori school that she's been wait-listed for a while at and that now has an opening for her. She'll be in school until 2:30 everyday, when I'll go to pick her up and bring her home. Thankfully, though I'll only be working until 4:30 most days (I'll stay late one day to allow them to get extra work done, go out, etc.), I'll still be paid for 30 hours to remain "on call", aka available to them when the girls have a three-day weekend holiday, parent-teacher conference day, etc, and I'll still take care of the grocery shopping/dry cleaning/errands runs.
I've thought that part of what's been going on with me had to do with the stress of needing to find a second job in the next month. You see, families can be really hit or miss. I've worked for some people I've really loathed, and then I've found some gems that I've really loved working for/with. This has never been truer than it is with the D's. And as tears stream down my face as I write this post, I realize that rather than being stressed about our finances when my job goes part-time, what's really wrong with me is that I'm heartbroken over the fact that I feel like I'm losing a bit of my connection with them, despite my continued employment.
I'll no longer get to spend my days alone with S and little A. I won't have those special moments I have on a daily basis where I think how insanely smart and wonderful S is and how glad I am to get to have her to myself sometimes. When I was pregnant and scared about how things would turn out, I let my love for S and how I felt for her guide me in my decisions, knowing that if I could feel that way about her, the possibilities for how I would feel about my own baby were too good to pass up.
The D's have become my family. They are the people I spend holidays with, share photos of Ava with, consider friends as opposed to employers. In fact, they're currently the front runner for who we would leave Ava with if, God forbid, something happened to the two of us.
In short, I feel nervous and scared and more than a little sad that something will be lost in the shift from full-time to part-time. Even more so, the thought of S going to Kindergarten in two years is enough to make me have a nervous breakdown.
Anyhow, sorry to stray off topic in such a sad direction, but in talking to Mrs. D this evening, it hit me what was wrong, and I just wanted a cathartic outlet to get it all out. Now that I have, I'm tired and still sad and I want to go to sleep.