This weekend, while at the Texas vs. CU game (another win! HOOK EM!), D and I were talking about some of his co-worker's kids, when he said, "What I am least looking forward to as a parent..."*
HUH? Parent?! No one said anything about being a (gasp!) parent! We're just having a baby is all. One that will call us Mommy & Daddy (or some close approximation of that). That doesn't mean we have to go completely nuts and call ourselves parents!!!! Parents are old. Old, boring, out-of-touch, serious. Generally, not fun. (No, mom, this isn't aimed at you - just everyone's persona of parents!). And to quote the father from Legally Blonde (See! I'm not old enough to be a parent. I can still quote Legally Blonde!), "You, pumpkin, are none of those things." The 'you' here clearly being 'me'.
Ever since he uttered those dreaded words, I've a.) started to understand more of his uncertainty about this little venture we've signed ourselves up for, and b.) been scared shitless to become an old fuddy-duddy parent. I mean, of course I realize that it won't happen immediately. I am 25, I can hold my liquor like no one's business (well, I could prior to THIS. There goes the past five years of building up my tolerance!), I am stylish, I've lived in NYC and picked up a few things from the experience, and just generally like who I am. And while there will always be that 'Debbie Downer' that comments about how their life has changed dramatically since having a baby, I've also seen that that's entirely within your control, and it doesn't have to be that way. If you have a lame social life after your baby, chances are you had a lame social life before them, and it's not a high priority of yours.
It also got me wondering what I'm least excited about. Besides the actual labor and delivery part, which should be every woman's first answer, I'm least excited about having to be friends with other so-called parents. I mean, yes, of course I want to have some mommy friends. I know a girl right now with a 20-month-old who has held up her own identity beautifully despite the addition to her family, and who I aspire to be like as a mommy. I think mommy friends are absolutely, 100% necessary for the new mommy, considering none of my other girlfriends are going to quite "get it", try as they may. And I know that none of my other girlfriends/gayfriends are going to be interested in hearing about my concerns about Baby B's ear infection/shoddy diapers/etc, so mommy friends are crucial. It's just lately, since I've started meeting others who have just had babies, I find them so mind-numbingly boring. They can talk about nothing besides their new baby. A simple "How are you feeling?" inquiry quickly turns into a forty-minute diatribe about the state of their new baby's seedy diapers, or how their baby recently sneezed and had to be rushed to the pediatrician for swine flu testing. THAT is what I'm least excited about. I know that to a certain extent, I will become this person. Everything on my mind, at least initially, will have to do with Baby B. BUT...that will not change my love of Texas football, or Range Rovers, or my interest in who killed whom on Desperate Housewives. That new Jay-Z song? I still plan to know the words. The hot new bar that opened on 4th Street? I may not have been there yet, but you bet I know about it and am planning a trip in the near-ish future. Plus, there is little I enjoy less (and I've been to enough to know for sure) than a child's birthday party, and they inevitably come along with having mommy friends.
Even this is the only place that I am this open and honest about my pregnancy. Sure, my friends and family have heard me bitch about not being a huge fan of the experience, but I'm never going to be one of those women talking to the nosy old busybody in Target about her constipation, or when/how she lost her mucus plug. No way, Jose. I'm not even really the type to welcome the ideas of a lactation consultant, despite their usefulness. Will I allow one to help me? Before I'd allow my mother or someone else. Will I pout the whole time? Probably. I'm just a private person that way.
My point, readers, is this. Despite the temptation to succumb to your new little person and think of nothing else, remember who you are right now. Or better yet, who you were before your mind and body got turned inside out by a teeny-tiny little alien being. It's important. YOU are important, too.
*(the end of that sentence, in case you're curious, was "that people's kids always seem to get them sick." Hmm...after living with me for two years, I'm pretty sure his superhuman immune system can handle some little kid germs.)
What you say about having a kid is true to some extent. I suffered a huge shock having Marianne, and I've never been a social butterfly.
ReplyDeleteAlso...yes...kids get you sick, your husband sick, your daycare lady and her husband and HER kids sick...etc ad infinitum. And YOU are a nervous wreck, waking up 4 times a night to make sure she's still breathing okay.
I'm not the paranoid type. But listening to her struggle to breathe...I would have at that moment, given absolutely ANYTHING to take away the fact she was so miserable. The rational part of my brain tells me she'll be fine, she's strong and will get healthy again. The recently-formed "Mommy" portion of my brain shrieked, "But she's CRYING. She's SICK. You have to DO SOMETHING!" Despite the fact I could do nothing.
I don't feel like I've lost my identity at all. I feel like I've augumented it with the title of, "Marianne's Mommy." It doesn't mean I am any less T, systems geek, game player, daughter, wife and lover.
How privately you choose to live your life doesn't change when you have a kid...but people will and do ask the WEIRDEST damn things.
I have noticed I am in general very much more laid-back about a lot of things that would have driven me nuts before...the house being a bit dirty, the pets and thier antics (not the ones that involve Alita the wanna be ferret going through my purse!), not getting to see a movie the week it comes out.
The fact is, your life DOES change when you have a kid. It doesn't mean it has to change totally, but a lot of what changes isn't you, your circumstances or otherwise...it's your perception of how important those things are.
Going out, seeing movies the first week, drinking at a bar? Lowest on my priority list. My greatest pleasure coming home other than spending time with J is playing with the baby. I didn't plan it that way or even think much about it...it just sort of became automatic.
Part of that is because I have tremendous amounts of drama in regards to the fact some weeks I wind up working so much I see Marianne awake maybe one hour a day.
Let me tell you, not seeing your child because of work DEFINATELY changes your perspective of work! It SUCKS. You'll be lucky, at least you'll be able to have her at work with you...you have no idea how rare and precious that is!