Thursday, December 17, 2009

Another Bad Day.

Last night was another rough night at our house (partially because I do indeed have strep and a double ear infection), with me waking up at 3AM and being unable to go back to sleep until 6:45. What does one do for four hours in the middle of the night, you ask? Ponder whether or not their doctor is likely to go through with the induction we've been planning since June, of course. And then, panicking that he won't, check my finances repeatedly to figure out how to make a few thousand dollars not matter. And plotting ways to kill D in his sleep while he snores obliviously inches away. Must be nice. If that wasn't bad enough, the 45 minutes I snagged before the alarm went off at 7:30 were riddled with sleep deprivation-induced nightmares, all centering about the baby being forcefully yanked from my abdomen. Apparently this prospective c-section is really stressing me out.

I managed to only have two hysterical crying fits before 8AM despite my completely exhausted state, but two is enough, so I called the doctor to say, "Look here - something isn't right. I shouldn't be awake all night, all the time, crying about 50% of my waking hours. Please do something." They wanted me to come in, but seeing as how I am with S from 8:30am-midnight today (thank you holiday parties! NOT), he agreed to call something in for me, and see me Tuesday morning at my appointment. Hmm...not the solution I had in mind. If my continuously elevating hormones due to my pregnancy are the reason for my depression, which they clearly are, isn't taking the baby out a better idea than prescribing me medication I am opposed to taking while pregnant, and that likely will take two weeks to help at all anyhow?! If she's not out in two weeks, it's going to take a lot more than medication to calm me down. I'm just saying. So that was how my morning went....

As much as I'd like to forge ahead with all the reasons I'm upset with the world and the circumstances of the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I'm going to choose to go a different route, and remind myself why I'm very fortunate, and all the things I have to be grateful for. In case I lose sight of these things over the next few days, it'll be nice to have them written down to remind me of how things are generally wonderful, despite the rough patch I'm currently experiencing. Here goes:

1.) I am fortunate enough to be able to conceive and carry my own child, which I have seen so many families have to fight for. It's a privilege and an honor to know that this child is the product of my love for D.

2.) It's a beautiful, healthy little girl. Had you asked me twenty years ago what I wanted more than anything in the world, I would've responded that I wanted to be a mother and have a daughter. Same goes for ten years ago. Now, more than ever, I feel fulfilled knowing that I have a daughter, and I am a mother. And also, I will never feel compelled to have to try for a second child just to have a chance at a girl...I got what I wanted the first time :)

3.) We have a beautiful home that we own to bring the baby home to, and she has a beautiful, meaningful nursery.

4.) There are so many people anxiously awaiting her arrival, who already love her and us so much.

5.) D is a wonderful, supportive boyfriend, and will be an amazing father, even if he doesn't know it yet. I am so blessed to not have to do this alone.

6.) So many people have given us things to help offset the expense of a newborn, such as changing tables, strollers, car seats, clothing and bottles. We've been so fortunate in this regard, and I am so thankful to all of you/them :)

7.) I had fifth disease early on in my pregnancy, which could've had devastating effects on Baby B's development, possibly causing either a miscarriage or the need for a serious transfusion to save her life. The survival rate of the procedure is only 20%. She has suffered no ill effects, and is perfectly healthy the best they can tell.

8.) I have had a relatively uncomplicated pregnancy until late, and even now, my problems seem to be merely emotional. I am very blessed in this regard, as I've seen women go through a range of pregnancy complications, all of which are terrifying.

9.) IT'S ALMOST OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmm...I really do feel better now :) Baby B, I cannot wait to meet you!

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